Friday, 16 December 2011

Put your ass in the air.

This story was typed by a person who thinks it's a good idea to play youtube songs on repeat for extended periods of time. Read at your own risk.

'Jeremy, that's my name. Don't wear it out.' Tom said as he used his sexy-eyes technique on the girl at the bar. Tom was a 5'11" 20 year old slim built male. He liked to think of himself as a fine catch. The only problem was, that his sexy-eyes technique made him look somewhat like a cross between a rapist and a heroine addict looking for his next fix.
This combined with his bad wardrobe choice, wearing a long trench-coat, that made him look somewhat like a paedophile, meant that the exotic looking 20-something was a far bit freaked out by his sudden intrusion. In full fight or flight mode, the girl grabbed the bottle of pepper-spray that a few of her girlfriends had encouraged her to buy. Spraying our protagonist in the face with said pepper-spray, the girl let out a very aggressive scream, a battle-cry if you must. Even through the pain of pesticide-grade pepper spray Tom was still able to smile a bit as he realised how feisty this woman was. He started to congratulate himself on choosing such a courageous mate for the evening. But all thought stopped as the woman, realising that the pepper spray had finished, kicked him square in the balls. Her high-heels going straight through the fabric and sinking into something fleshy yet elastic. Tom blacked out.
Tom opened his eyes. Blinked. And looked around. He was lying on the ground, which was now white.. and had swallowed him up? Tom started to panic, looking around. Electronic equipment too complicated for his mind to understand, lights as bright as the sun. Tom realised that he must have been abducted by aliens. Then he started to feel the pain. So the aliens had castrated him? And that pub situation was just some crash way to make his brain deal with the trauma? Tom rested his head on the soft white ground again. And screamed all the air out of his lungs.
'What's wrong mister Hunter? You aren't due for more pain-killers in 2 hours.' Cold hands on his face.
'Who are you? Where am I? TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!!' Tom screamed. The hands left his face to reveal a human. Tom was confused, and a bit stunned.
'Mr Hunter, you're at George Cross hospital. I'm Doctor Staten You were the victim of an assault in a public house. Do you remember any of this?'
Tom nodded his head. 'Oh, we're in hospital?' Feeling the blush creep up his cheeks as he realised how many people must have heard his screaming.
'You were very lucky Mr Hunter, the heel went right through the middle of your scrotum, but missed your testicles by about 2 millimetres. After the skin heals you'll be good as new.' Looking over his head, the doctor added, 'Oh, and the person who assulted you road with you in the ambulance, she was very worried and wants to apologise for acting so brutishly.'
Tom looked past Dr Staten to see the exotic goddess of his dreams. The one-night-stand from hell. The proof that sexy-eyes worked.

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